"loser" am i one

Many times in history we have witnessed how a single episode changed the entire course of the future. An individual’s life also goes by the same principle. I never saw myself so weak and vulnerable that one event could change my life but it did. The impact of the failure of my relationship has made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. I have seen myself going downhill and reaching the point where I see a degradation in my personality and this is something i dislike. They say that the first break up is the toughest to get over; I wonder whether that's the reason. I have gone a long way from where I was almost a year ago when it happened but haven't still recuperated from it a hundred percent. Memories are mysterious they play with humans in unimaginable ways; often the sad ones come to you in the most happy moment and leave you standing dumbfounded.

Somewhere deep inside the word looser has strongly footed itself, when I think of it in times of sanity I totally deny it. But in the moments when your emotions are out of control the term grows on me more and more. The other day I was with my friends, in the peak of excitement and joy because I had been to the place I wanted to since ages and we were playing a fun game. While each one of us was totally engrossed in the game trying hard to make the other team lose my friends boyfriend called me a looser, not that he meant it but just swayed by emotions and the thrill of the competition. The word hit me so much, i thought he saw through me, i disliked the feeling. That was the end of my happiness, I felt I was exposed as if the CBI had a spot light on one of the criminals and he had nowhere to run. After that point i went almost nonexistent and i hid my face and cried. Why does this happen to me, why do i feel so is the question as i wasn't the one at fault even in the relation, i gave my best, i gave in myself. This is the second time this happened to me i really want to erase this burden off my heart. I really want to be myself again and not just a painted face of happiness with a heart throbbing in pain.

Such moments come rarely to me now in the past few days but i am desperately waiting for the time when they vanish, when there will be no trace what so ever of that one event and that is because i would have moved on, just like he has.

THE NUMBNESS B’COZ OF THE LOVED ONES

This is my first blog entry, I have been wanting to write since long but today is when I finally did.

Today I felt like pouring my thoughts onto a piece of paper with the hope that it will calm me. It will diminish the soreness in my heart. This is dedicated to two special people whom I am missing at the moment, there is a blankness that I feel without them but the feeling is different for both individuals.

One of them was a friend who I know will never return ever again, he’s gone forever and has left us dazzled and startled. He seems to be hiding somewhere up in the sky and peeping at us and smiling as he always did. He had the laughter and innocence of a child.

Today for no reason I saw his profile on one of the networking sites and there was something that I had never noticed before. It shook me and instantly a tear dropped from my eye. The only line he had written to describe himself was “I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps Oh look at that then - whoosh, and I m gone... and they ll never see anything like it ever again, and they won’t be able to forget me - ever.” -JIM MORRISON

I don’t know what he had in his mind or when he put this down but ironically now it fitted more since he has gone so far from us that we can never reach out to him, call him or talk to him. Never will I be able to fight with him over all those silly issues or stupid comments; never will I be able to see him. The emptiness will stay forever and there will be no one to take his place. When I think of his family I get morose, all I can remember is his mother’s face expressionless not knowing how to react not knowing why this happened why this occurred to them. He was a jewel, a precious one. May god give his friends and family the courage to take this grief and heal from it.

I was not present when this happened; someone told me that the worst sight was when all his ashes were collected in earthen pot and finally let go. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to see a person vaporize and all that’s left of him is his ashes. They say the spirit at this time leaves the corpse and is set free I wonder if he was still present there and seeing everyone in that state. I am sure he would have been in tears as well as he was a man with a golden heart he loved to make everyone smile and laugh, never do I know him causing pain to any soul known.

I will always cherish u in my memories my dear friend and u will always be remembered at all times good or bad and u will always be missed. Take care darling. Miss u.

The other person whom I am missing at the moment is someone I loved deeply, someone I never thought would leave me, someone whom I saw myself growing old with and finally dying with him. There is an emptiness which I feel without him. But I don’t know which grief is greater for here though the person is alive is just like he never existed ever in my life. I at times want to erase every trace of the past that I shared with him. Love hurts; I learnt it the hard way.

I have been miserable for quiet long now but it was about a month back that I started living my life being myself. But often here and there his thought crosses my mind and crushes me as if it just happened yesterday. But its been more than 9 months now. Often I wonder if I will ever love someone so deeply so immensely like I loved him. But as they say love just happens, somewhere at this point of time I really feel I want to be loved once more, I want to have that great feeling that I did then. The loneliness does grow on me often. But that’s life. Things u never plan happen just like the day I feel in love and just like the day when he said I was too good for him, I am sure will be a day when I will be loved again and will be with someone who will be with me forever and ever.

Life takes you through so many turns which uve never planned; it’s like a sine curve. There are ups and downs in this journey.

Finally id like to mention that at this point of time there are just two things that I am certain about one is that time is a bigger healer and it will be the one that takes care of everything . The other is that no matter what both these people will be a part of me all my life and I will love them forever. All the time spend with them will always be precious and will always make me laugh and cry. Friendship is something I can never live without and love for me turned out to be even more beautiful. I learnt that it has a mysterious and immense power.

To end it up here this one quote sums it all up.

Friendship occupies your mind.
Love occupies your soul.