"loser" am i one

Many times in history we have witnessed how a single episode changed the entire course of the future. An individual’s life also goes by the same principle. I never saw myself so weak and vulnerable that one event could change my life but it did. The impact of the failure of my relationship has made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. I have seen myself going downhill and reaching the point where I see a degradation in my personality and this is something i dislike. They say that the first break up is the toughest to get over; I wonder whether that's the reason. I have gone a long way from where I was almost a year ago when it happened but haven't still recuperated from it a hundred percent. Memories are mysterious they play with humans in unimaginable ways; often the sad ones come to you in the most happy moment and leave you standing dumbfounded.

Somewhere deep inside the word looser has strongly footed itself, when I think of it in times of sanity I totally deny it. But in the moments when your emotions are out of control the term grows on me more and more. The other day I was with my friends, in the peak of excitement and joy because I had been to the place I wanted to since ages and we were playing a fun game. While each one of us was totally engrossed in the game trying hard to make the other team lose my friends boyfriend called me a looser, not that he meant it but just swayed by emotions and the thrill of the competition. The word hit me so much, i thought he saw through me, i disliked the feeling. That was the end of my happiness, I felt I was exposed as if the CBI had a spot light on one of the criminals and he had nowhere to run. After that point i went almost nonexistent and i hid my face and cried. Why does this happen to me, why do i feel so is the question as i wasn't the one at fault even in the relation, i gave my best, i gave in myself. This is the second time this happened to me i really want to erase this burden off my heart. I really want to be myself again and not just a painted face of happiness with a heart throbbing in pain.

Such moments come rarely to me now in the past few days but i am desperately waiting for the time when they vanish, when there will be no trace what so ever of that one event and that is because i would have moved on, just like he has.